Yuki's Monologue
by Possessionless
Summary: Set after Yuki gets to know Shuichi. This is what's running through Yuki's head, everything he wants and desires, all his conflicting feelings, yet everything he fears. This is Yuki expressing his thoughts.


**Yuki's Monologue**

Someone to hold, someone to look after, someone to cherish and someone to covet; that is all I really want. Over the past couple of years, I have come to realise that life is basically nothing if you have no one to love or if no one loves you. I figure that we, as humans, have a deep psychological need for attention, especially from our 'other half'. We need a person to fulfil our desires and make our wishes come true as close to reality as possible. My problem of course, is having that person.

What do I look for in said person; I have never really thought about it. I suppose I want someone who will be there for me, throughout everything, all life's vicissitudes. I want someone to hold, to grab a hold of and to be mine. Moreover, the sad thing is I have sought out this person but I do not know if I really want them or not. Whether, they want me is another problem all together.

I never like to use the word 'love'; I find it is rather overused in modern day society and people throw it around like it means nothing. Well, to me it means something, love is a very strong word and I never use it unless I mean it – which is not often at all – but I _love_ this person quite a lot. At least I think I do.

What draws me to this person… great hair, stunning eyes and the cutest smile I have ever seen in my entire life. Yes all superficial things, but there is more to it than that. He makes me laugh with when he is having fun, he makes me happy when he is cheerful and he makes me cry when he is angry. The thing I hate the most, is that he makes me love him. It feels so wrong, loving another guy, but that is where I digress, do I _love _him? Maybe I love him in the best friend way, the fraternal way. On the other hand, am I just obsessed with him?

Several things led me the consensus that I am in love or obsessed. I get really jealous when he is affectionate around other people and not me; this has only been accentuated when my other friend noticed. I crave to be close to him, to be his and his alone. I pine to be his number one best friend and for him to recognise it and flaunt the fact. When he gives me a 'man hug', I just want to cling to him forever and never let him go. At this point, I begin to wonder, is my way of wanting to be his very best friend a way telling myself that I want to be his lover. Am I trying to lie to myself in order to disguise my true feelings?

That is what really pisses me off; even _I_ do not know what I want. Why do I have to be so complex, with myself of all people, I would have thought that at least I would be able to sort out my priorities and be able to comprehend my wants. Why can't I possibly know what my feelings are telling me? Do I love him? A simple yes or no would suffice, but no my stupid self has to be confusing and lead me down a path of uncertainty and bewilderment.

I long for him to hold me in his arms, to feel safe, alive and to let the cliché feeling of the world melting away to overcome me. I want to feel his body pressed against mine, his heat tingling with mine, his breath tickling against my cheeks, I just want him. It really makes me angry how desperate I may sound, but love him so much. The worst thing is that there is no way I can get him, no way that I can call him mine, no way, never ever.

Shut up, just shut up you stupid boy. I cannot possibly love another male, it is morally wrong, people will hate me, people will look down on me, and for these reasons I cannot love him. Nevertheless, who gives a damn what people will think, why should I suppress my feelings for the sake of reputation. Why should I be ashamed that I love him, even if it is a boy, even if I will be ridiculed, even if my life will be turned on its head, it does not change the point that I love him.

The ability of controlling everything he does would be a great asset, I could make him love me, make him want me and make him do whatever I want him to do to me. That way he can finally have him, he would be very much like a robot under my command, everything I always craved and desired would ultimately be mine. Hang on, what the hell am I thinking? There is no way that I can ever control him, he has his own thoughts, his own feelings, and none of them involve me. He does not love me, at least not in _that_ way. I know that the last thing he would want from me is a good loving relationship; he just wants to remain best friends when we could be so much more, so much more. And yet I linger, locked away in my own sordid fantasies, trapped in a world when anything I want goes, the only place where I can be with him, the only place where he can be mine. I love you Suichi...

* * *

_**A/N: Thanks for reading, let me know what you think guys ^_^~**_


End file.
